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February 23, 2022

Healthy Relationships With Others

By Barry Rudesill

A few days ago, I (Barry) wrapped up speaking at a Couple’s Retreat Weekend. I had four speaking times to try to impart vast amounts of wisdom and knowledge; and, based on the topic they chose, I ended up talking about defeated armies, ancient idolatry, the fact that we’re mortal, and a song for travelers. (It all DID make sense and tie together...I hope…)

Anyhow, based on that, I wanted to take a few minutes today and talk about “Healthy Relationships” and how to tell if the relationships in your life are building you up or tearing you down. With that, here are some simple rules to tell if the people in your life are healthy:

1. You look forward to spending time with the other.

Seriously, this is the easiest one to assess! Look at how you feel when you spend time with them. Does spending time with them help you to relax? If so, it’s probably healthy. On the other hand, do you cringe when the other person is around; do you unwind when they leave? If you become tense, nervous, or afraid when the other is nearby, it’s probably not the healthiest of relationships.

2. Your actions / language / attitudes are positive.

Take a look at the way you act when your around them. (When in doubt, run through your “Identifying Behaviors” checklist.) If you find yourself changing in a positive way when they’re around, if they help pull you up and away from unhealthy patterns, it’s probably healthy. If you find yourself acting in negative ways when they’re around, if you change to “fit in” or be accepted, it’s probably not the healthiest of relationships.

3. Your positive Self-Talk / Core Beliefs match their words.

As you dig through your Self-Talk statements or discover your Core Beliefs, does it match what the other person says about you? If you find that they speak positive, healthy, affirming words to/about you, it’s probably healthy. If you find your negative Self-Talk / Core Beliefs coming from the words they say, it’s probably not the healthiest of relationships.

4. They let you be who you are / encourage you to be better.

Does this person let you be who you are or do you have to wear a “mask” around them? If you’re free to be who you really are, it’s probably healthy. On the other hand, if you have to pretend, it’s probably not the healthiest of relationships.

At the same time, true friends want to help us get “better”. I’ve had friends help me with my language, my anger, and my impatience. These friends helped me to change, but they weren’t trying to change me into who THEY wanted me to be; instead, they helped me to become who I wanted to be!

There are more things you can look at; in fact, The Trek has three whole classes specifically dedicated to understanding what healthy relationships look like! However, for today, this should be enough to get you started thinking about the people in your life.

So, what’s the upshot of all of this?

First, you need to understand that I am not saying that if a relationship is unhealthy now that you should instantly walk away! Now there are times when ending the relationship IS probably the best option! For example, if you’re dating someone – or even engaged – and they are tearing you apart, it usually doesn’t get “better” with time! If you see signs that your “significant other” is “significantly unhealthy”, you may want to wait BEFORE continuing the relationship!

On the other hand, most relationships that matter can be fixed with two main concepts: Boundaries and Communication.

First, figure out what you need to become healthy. Set boundaries that help you develop a place and space to work on the issues in your own life. (Remember: you CANNOT “fix” the other person, only yourself!) If possible, identify specific behaviors that you think are unhealthy in the relationship and then put boundaries in place to prevent them from happening.

Second, find ways to communicate more effectively. In my experience, lack of communication is probably the KEY factor for why relationships struggle and/or fail. Simply put, we don’t talk to each other! It doesn’t matter if it’s a friendship, family member, or spouse, we still need to find ways to communicate what we’re thinking and feeling. If we don’t, we can’t expect anything to get better. In fact, we leave ourselves only two choices: stay and be miserable...or leave…

If the relationship matters, determine if it’s healthy or not. Then, if there’s work to do, don’t be afraid to begin the conversation! (Maybe some day I’ll explain how defeated armies and travelers fit into all of this!)

From all of us at The Trek, we hope you enjoy your journey!

- The Trek

February 23, 2022

Healthy Relationships With Others

By Barry Rudesill

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