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November 8, 2023

What Is Abuse?

By Barry Rudesill

Today, I want to do something...different. Instead of me writing a blog post, I want to ask you a question. In fact, because I’m not clever at hiding things, I decided to put it as the title for this post. (I do apologize if you were expecting something more...happy...as a topic for today!)

To clarify my question, I’m not trying to define certain types of abuse:

Sexual abuse, rape, molestation, etc. are pretty obvious, and even if it’s done just once, it’s abuse. This category doesn’t have a whole lot of “gray areas” in its definition.

Physical abuse, domestic violence, etc. are pretty obvious, too. If someone hits, shoves, kicks, or slaps another person, even if it’s done once, it’s abuse.

Where I’m struggling with my definition today is in the more “debatable” areas. Let me explain what I mean. I’ve been doing counseling for over 30 years, and, in that time, I’ve heard a lot of stories. Some of those stories, to me, sounded like abuse; however to the person telling me the story, it wasn’t. Because the incidents existed in a gray area, it was hard for me to dig deeper.

Let me give you some examples:

How many times does your boyfriend have to call you names before it becomes abuse? Once? Once a year? A couple of times a week? I mean, everyone can have a bad day, so how many “bad days” are you allowed before it becomes abuse? Or, rather than being a question of frequency, is it more a matter of intensity? Or is it both..?
If your spouse constantly points out your weaknesses both in public and in private, especially in areas where you ARE weaker than they are, is that abuse? A common example of this is in the area of finance. If your spouse constantly points out how you “can’t handle money”, “can’t save a dime”, are “terrible with money”, does it ever become a point where it turns into abuse?
We talk about neglect for children, but what about neglect for adults? If you’re fiancee is too busy with school, work, hobbies, and friends to spend any time with you, is that neglect? What if that pattern continues after you get married? You’re both in the same house, but you’re living alone. Is that neglect?

Please understand, I’ve never come up with a satisfactory, one-size-fits-all answer. Because of that, this isn’t a rhetorical question, one where I already know the answer and you have to try to guess correctly. Instead, I’m hoping that all y’all can help me solve it the question:

At what point do “smaller” actions become abusive?

I guess from my perspective, I would argue that the behavior IS abusive if it hurts the other person mentally, emotionally, and/or spiritually AND matches two or more of the following criteria:

It’s done in anger.
It’s done to diminish, demean, isolate, or control the other.
It’s intentional.
It’s obvious to others.
It’s repeated (fairly) consistently.

But even here, there’s gray areas. If you’re doing a hurtful behavior that is repeated consistently and is obvious to others, it may NOT be abuse if you’re unaware that it harms the other person. If you continue to do it after the other person talks to you about it, then that would be abuse, since you’re doing it KNOWING how it hurts them.

You also run into situations where the person who is doing the negative behavior argues and/or attempts to justify WHY what they’re doing is not abusive. “You’re just misinterpreting what I said.” “Well, I didn’t mean it the way you took it!” “I’m just correcting you, not controlling you.” With physical or sexual abuse, these argument can’t – or at least shouldn’t! – fly, but it becomes so much harder to “prove” in the gray areas.

For me, there IS one other final test that I like to offer:

Would you be okay with that behavior happening to your friend? Your daughter? Your father?

Basically, if you would be upset about that behavior happening to someone else that you care about, then why are you okay with it happening to you?

Anyhow, just my thought for the day… We hope you enjoy your journey!

- The Trek

November 8, 2023

What Is Abuse?

By Barry Rudesill

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