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March 2, 2024

How To Counsel Others? Be Silent!

By Barry Rudesill

Last week, we talked about how an “accountability partner” can help us further on our journey through life. For those of you who missed that article, an “accountability partner” is simply someone that I trust to hold me accountable. I give them permission to speak – bluntly, if need be – into my life and to give me advice and feedback. Simple enough, right?

But from that article, I got some feedback asking, “I don’t know what to say or do, so what do I do if someone wants me to be their accountability partner?” To answer that, I need to tell you a story:

A few weeks back, a young man messaged me on Facebook. As far as I know, I’ve never met him, his family, been to his college, etc. Also, as far as I know, he didn’t know anything about me. (For those of you who know Facebook, can you just “randomly message” someone?)

This young man sent me a video and asked me a question. What the question was isn’t really relevant to the story; but, what you DO need to know, is that his view of the answer is radically different than my view! I’m not sure how he arrived at his conclusions, but I do know that I came to mine after years of study, research, and testing those ideas against others.

So, he asked the question and I answered it...briefly. This young man then asked if I would be willing to meet him for coffee to talk about it more. Since he lives about five hours away, I told him that I WOULD drive for coffee – actually, I’d drive for Diet Dew! – but that a Zoom meeting might be easier.

After a few weeks in which I didn’t receive a response, I messaged him back to ask how he was doing and he, again, asked for a Zoom meeting. Again, I agreed, and I sit here today, typing, and wondering if I’ll have a chance to talk with him.

So, what does this have to do with being a helping someone else? Well, a lot of times when I deal with a counseling situation, I find that the people involved – especially the friends and family of the person who is hurting – choose not to get involved because “they don’t know what to say or do”.

I mean, I’ve been there; and I’m sure you have, too, right? Someone is in grief over their loss and is crying uncontrollably. What do you say in that moment? Someone just got a diagnosis of cancer. What words do you use to comfort them? Someone just opened up with you about abuse in their past. Where do you even start the conversation?

When we don’t know what to say to someone who’s struggling, we often choose silence, instead. The ironic thing is that when we “choose silence”; it may actually be the best thing we CAN do!

What words do you say to a parent who just lost their child? Probably nothing beyond, “I’m here for you. I love you. I will sit with you in this time.” And then...silence. Let them grieve, let them cry, and if they speak or ask questions, then worry about what to say.

What words do you say to someone about their diagnosis of cancer? Probably nothing beyond, “I’m here for you. I love you. I will sit with you in this time.” And then...silence. (Sensing a pattern here?) Give them the space to talk, to process through what they’re thinking and feeling, and if they ask you a question, then worry about what to say.

What about people with abuse in their past? What do you say then? Probably nothing beyond, “I’m here for you. I love you. I will sit with you in this time.” And then...silence. Give them a safe space to dump their pain, listen without judging, let them say what they need, and if they ask you a question, then worry about what to say.

If someone asks you to be an accountability partner, the first skill you need to learn – if you decide to do it – is the ability to listen. Let them talk about their journey, their struggles, what they’ve learned, how they’ve applied it, and where they think they need to go next.

When they’re done talking, then be ready to respond. By the way, in those moments asking questions is WAY more important than making statements. Instead of saying, “You need to change X, Y, and Z!”, ask, “How are X, Y, and Z working out for you?” Ask the questions and don’t take one word answers in response. Dig deeper and help them to understand for themselves how their journey is going.

In my example, if I end up in an hour-long Zoom meeting with this young man, I’m going to let him do most of the talking. I’m going to listen more than I speak. Why? Because before I can help him, I need to hear him. It’s as simple as that. I want to hear what he believes about the topic, how he came to those conclusions, what research he’s done, and how his beliefs are working out for him.

Okay, so this blog post is a little more random than my normal ones, but hopefully it made sense. Like I said, I’m a bit distracted by waiting to see if I have an impromptu meeting! (I sincerely hope I do!)

For the rest of you, I hope you have a great day and from all of us at The Trek, we hope you enjoy your journey!

- The Trek

March 2, 2024

How To Counsel Others? Be Silent!

By Barry Rudesill

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