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March 21, 2024

Dealing With Disagreements

By Barry Rudesill

The past few weeks, I’ve been talking about a young man and his friend who reached out to me. They have some radically different views on certain topics than I do, and so it’s been an interesting discussion. This week, I want to continue to share with you some of the details of that conversation.

Where we left off in our story, I was waiting for the meeting to begin. When it did, it was calm; but from the get-go there was a lot of...disagreement. In very polite words, I was told that much of what I knew was wrong, that they knew things that I didn’t, and that I needed to change.

So, what do you do if you get into that situation? Let me give you some tips:

Step One: Remain Calm

I don’t know about you, but in the past when my boss looked at me and said, “We need to have a talk!”, my first internal response was, “What did I do wrong?” Notice that my response says more about me than it does about my boss! (Although they COULD use a better phrase!)

If I let my thoughts run free, if I indulge my Self-Talk, then I can get pretty worked up before the conversation even begins. Take a deep breath, speak truth to your Self-Talk, and wait to see what’s really going on before you choose how you will react.

Step Two: Listen Attentively

Even if I think that I’ll disagree with someone, I will still listen to them. I want to honor them by giving them the time, place, and space to say what they need – provided it’s done in a healthy way. Along the way, I try to find things that we do agree on – there’s usually something; things that I don’t agree with – it gives us things we can discuss; and I also pay attention to “incidentals” like body posture, tone, the words used, etc – those MAY give me clues as to how the person is feeling.

By listening, I may find out we actually DO agree; or at least agree more than I thought. Also, by listening, I may find out why the person feels the way they do, which can help me build a positive relationship with them. But, it all starts with listening!

Step Three: Separate Your Ideas From You

This is actually the hardest step of all! Why? Because when someone questions what we believe to be true – or actively attacks it – our immediate reaction is anger or fear, “Freeze, Fight, or Flight”.

By separating your ideas from you, it means that they’re attacking something you believe in rather than you, personally. This gives you the gift of perspective, so that you can honestly and intellectually evaluate their arguments without the need to simply respond.

Step Four: Look For The Good

This one is also difficult, at times. When someone comes up to me to correct me, it can be hard to believe that they’re doing it for my benefit. It doesn’t mean that I need to blindly accept their comments; but if they truly have my good in mind, then it’s worth the time to listen.

In this case, I truly am touched by these two young men. They felt that I was in error and they wanted to make sure that I was “safe”. This, alone, was enough to enable me to look past the disagreements and focus on what they were saying.

Step Five: Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

If you follow the first four steps, this one is fairly easy. I’m still calm, I’ve listened to – and heard – them, I’ve considered their views without taking it personally, and I’ve looked for the reasons they wanted to talk to me. As a result, if I still disagree, I can calmly express how and why I disagree. There’s no anger, blame, yelling, or attacks; instead, it’s a peaceful dialogue.

Since the conversation began, we’ve had a number of online meetings. At the end of one of these, my two young friends asked if they could take a “selfie” with me. I asked them why and they told me that no one believed that I would be polite in the conversation! I think that’s kind of sad, actually…

So, welcome to some basic steps for how to handle disagreements. Is this the end of the conversation? Not really. We could talk about the people who criticize just to prove themselves correct; or who use “conversations” to control others.

For now, though, this has been a very positive experience for me and I want to leave it on a positive note!

We hope you enjoy your journey!

- The Trek

March 21, 2024

Dealing With Disagreements

By Barry Rudesill

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